Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁

I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.

But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.

It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.

If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.

Lionel Ritchie being British :

🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵

The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.

Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,

Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?

Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin

I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.

I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.

I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.

I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”

Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!

Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks

I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive

[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo

if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked

3yo: I hate vegetables!

Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?

3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!

Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’

SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?

DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer

SON: what aisle?

DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?

Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you

Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell

Police:

“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”

“Uhhh….why?”

“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”

“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”

[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]

Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*

ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?

My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.

Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.

I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.

[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]

A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.

Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?

Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.