It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
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FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:
Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool