It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
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Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
not for long
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?