Friend: If Nicki Minaj, Ke$ha, Nickelback, and Creed all died in a plane crash who would you miss the most?
Me: the pilot
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
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Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Apparently, “I just assumed” is a horrible answer when your wife asks you why you bought her the “heavy flow” tampons.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Deranged Extremist 1: We’ll drown 100 kittens.
Deranged Extremist 2: We won’t drown ANY kittens.
Cool Centist: We’ll drown 50 kittens.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.