Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.

Can Happiness buy money?

You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything

My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.

the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something

Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks

Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?

Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.

It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.

3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.

How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?

Men – 2

Women – 1,768

Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.

Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.

Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.

Big Sex has us all fooled

IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER

When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”

Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?

Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.

⛽️ 🦫

Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!

(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES

Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?

You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.

I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.

*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?

Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat

HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.

Don’t leave me hanging, Larry

I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken

So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream

Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.

When’s dinner?

-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner

Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics