It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶
Me: “Agree to disagree.”
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
go easy on yourself <3
Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
