It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
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Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Me: Have you been following the H1B stuff? My wife: No, what happened? Did it mutate to infect humans?
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
All is fair in drunk and war.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
When libraries troll their patrons.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.