It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
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MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.