It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
You Might Also Like
His flabber was gasted 😂
*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
the council will decide your fate
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck