Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets

I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.

*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????

You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?

Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.

Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?

[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money

never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes

signs you’re dating an angel:

– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning

‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’

-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.

Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers

Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey

Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.

Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.

Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?

Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company

Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.

The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw

My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers

“Sookie!”

-70% of True Blood dialogue

Have you ever gone hiking through the mountains for several days? When you finally arrive at your campsite and you drop the 40lb sack you’ve been carrying on your back, you feel reborn. You feel free again. Anyways, both of my kids are staying with their grandparents this week.

Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.

Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony

I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”

*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape

Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully

Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home

I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope

This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10

Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts