It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
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“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
i made a craigslist ad !
friend: i’m just going to date myself
me: you can do better
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.