It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
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People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Mountain Goat : )
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: I was raised in a working-class family…
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right