It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
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Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
ME: and make mine a double
WAITER: your…your tater tots?
ME: you heard me
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.