It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
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“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.