Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.

Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.

If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.

i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it

*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*

Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.

Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna

As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.

Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well

My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window

… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.

hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall

🙁

Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money

Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.

Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?

Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”

toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french

Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…

bird 1: uh oh

bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone

Wife: I think I’m going into labor!

Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?

“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”

My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave

A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it

Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means

Me: No, what?

H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9

Me: get out

Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.

Principal: Your son is a gamer

[Parents are visibly shaken]

Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.

Parents: OH THANK GOD