Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”

If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.

[First day as a mortician]

Me: Anybody seen my grapes?

[Later]

Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird

“I think we should start touching other people.”

-Blind couple breaking up.

look detective, we’re ALL looking for a hot 5’ 10” guy with athletic build and strong follow through instincts

Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.

I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”

i’ve found my new favorite subculture

Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.

Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.

Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.

I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.

I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich

Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax

Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?

The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?

Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer

Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.

Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity

“I got this”

-hypochondriac reading Web MD

[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”

what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell

Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.

Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho

I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.

MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT

When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos

If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:

Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?

Please. nobody has to know.

[First date]

Her: I love to travel.

Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.

What a relief. Bring on the nukes