It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
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Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’