It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
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My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
catch me on valentine’s day like
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
getting groceries
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant