Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…

…speaking for my kids, this checks out.

The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.

If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.

“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.

Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.

Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.

women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)

ocean: *waves*

me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*

[pronounces modeling like yodeling]

New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?

Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here

New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?

Me: I didn’t say things like that?

I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.

The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.

my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx

you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks

Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year

I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.

Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.

Me: Seriously?

Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Easy enough.

Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff

CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here

Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder

6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?

Me: I did not know that.

6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.

😲 WTF? 😆

the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone

If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.

I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.