Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails

Obviously that’s not true

We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings

Kids these days, I tell ya

We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.

They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.

I’m aging like a fine banana

that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.

I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.

If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back

Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.

NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”

Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?

Me:

W:

M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!

[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him

COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?

Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.

Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.

Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.

I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.

Krampus.

In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.

Me: *considering sleeping in*

My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.

I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.

[1st date]

HER: I like a guy with good Southern values

ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins

Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.

Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.

Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.

Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.

You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.

Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.

*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?

Me: Im still mad at you for last night

Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous

Don’t worry, if your parachute doesn’t deploy you have the rest of your life to fix it

#OneLiner

I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.