Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.

waiter: what’ll it be?

me: I’ll have chameleon

waiter: that’s not on the menu

me: how can you be sure?

Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.

Me: Not until you turn the heat down.

I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.

Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot

Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.

Him: What happens if they get overheated?

Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-

Him: *whispers* hot mess.

My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.

“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”

A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.

Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

Me: Yes and No.

It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.

Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*

Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.

Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice

[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks

Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.

Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.

it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut

Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat

Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?

My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.

I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.

What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?

Wishful thinking. Obviously

Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on

Christian Bale: What?

cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke

Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes

start pet casino? explore legality

shit this isn’t my notes app

Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”

Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”

Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.

Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?