It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
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“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Hey Juror #2, come here a second. I noticed you were doodling the words “I DID IT” in big 3D bubble letters on that piece of paper. Can you show me how to do that?
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Nice try, NASA
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
It really ruins the vibe when you’re sharing a hilarious story from your childhood and people are like “omg that’s horrible” or “do you want my therapist’s phone number?”
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.