It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
You Might Also Like
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
found this cool rock hiking today
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one