It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
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Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I wanna be friends with this person
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.