its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
You Might Also Like
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!