its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
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We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.