its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
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not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Breaking news:
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a