its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
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ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
Me, in DM rooms…
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man