It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
You Might Also Like
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms