it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
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I got 3 miles in before breakfast.
That’s enough driving for the day
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Waiting for the Charmin
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm