Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?

that would 100% work on me

you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant

I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.

Said hello to someone, they didn’t hear me, immediately assumed it was some sort of sixth sense situation

Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call

Hey i am sexy to you now

[Reporting live on scene]

Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?

Me: Christ Gary, all of it.

Remember when double entry was an accounting term?

Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.

Really bad spell of wether.

My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.

Adding, “I’ll tell you THAT for free…” leaves the door open to sending an invoice at other times.

Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious

i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time

I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?

growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go

My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation

If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.

You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.

Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.

Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?

*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*

*winks*

You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.

If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination

I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.

I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.

A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday

NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:

You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay

Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…

My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”