It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
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Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
making my dog give me my pills
-Ordering a pizza $40
-Having it delivered $5
-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home
Sliceless
Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?
Pizza is an emotion right?
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.