Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need

All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘

I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.

interviewer: why’d you leave your last job

me: i heard a loud noise

interviewer: wow what was it

me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired

Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.

Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.

Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..

me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?

I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.

*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U

A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.

[having sex with centaur]

ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*

no such thing as a dumb question

Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home

If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.

Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies

Hub: What’s this?

Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.

Hub: *puts $100 in*

Me:…

I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.

The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.

interviewer: we just have one concern

me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought

interviewer: well it is now

interviewer 2: holy shit

interviewer 3: awesome

i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera

We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.

I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.

I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.

Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?

Me: Does sex count as exercise?

Dr: Yes.

Me: No.

Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.

Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.

Negotiating with a 3 year old:

Me: pick out two books to read.

3yo: no five books!

Me: fine three books.

3yo: no five books!

Me: no one book!

3yo: no TWO books!

Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.

*Jesus sits down at the bar*

“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”

HER: I love classic rock

ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon