It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
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The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.