It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
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Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Festival
Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?
Me: No, thank you.
PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!
Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Just got a message from my kid’s teacher that she still needs someone to sign up for plates/napkins for the Christmas party and this is a trap, right?
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.