It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
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My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
I need to babyproof my house.
I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
You tell ppl you not tryna drink and they act like you just turned down 100k
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
This is Teddy. He has been on a Himalayan retreat for the past 6 months and requests to be caught up on the state of the world. 14/10 this could take a while Teddy #SeniorPupSaturday
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
wife *finally falls asleep*
me *opens cupboard door* *every single fucking pot and pan falls out*
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.