It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
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People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Talk about a bad egg
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.
Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.