It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
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The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Xylophonist Shredding It
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
incredible
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Again, I went to pick up a prescription and the pharmacist asked for my date of birth. I told him to write it down this time.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.