Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: do you own any firearms

ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs

betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.

Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭

I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.

My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.

I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.

Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine

Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?

Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list

Agency:

Me: Children are the future

*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU

Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:

Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%

“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”

Them: What is wrong with you?

Me: How much time do you have?

Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.

she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds

Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?

The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.

Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?

What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?

Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅

[first date]

Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol

Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape

It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally

“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.

GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?

ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.

HER: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.

One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.

I think about that a lot.

wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?

I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.

Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…

I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed

Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.

– spider moms, probably

me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape

Me: That was fun! Fist me!

Him: What?!

Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*

Him: …..

This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌