It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
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The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.