Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?

I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.

Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.

My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.

She’s my Japaniece..

I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.

Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!

2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*

1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself

Let’s play a game.

What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.

A: A teddy bear

B: A blanket

C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush

I need this for my side hustle.

Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.

Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*

“It says here you ran a marathon?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”

“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”

I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922

My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse

Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”

I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.

There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore

if i gave birth in a barn and then a little boy came in and started playing the drums I would throw the baby at him

One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.

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The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.

Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task

*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*

CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?

GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!

Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.

This is my emotional support online shopping cart

My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.

[First day as pirate]

*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*

Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!

when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help

[creation]

GOD: You guys are bees

BEE: Are we important?

GOD: Mankind would collapse without you

BEE: Can we fly?

GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol

BEE: …

GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out

I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.