It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
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I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Genius idea!!
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
This guy gets it.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day