Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice

[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?

Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?

[texting]

ME: I like you, I think you’re cute

MY CRUSH: oh um

ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that

my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”

I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.

Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?

God: *wearing bird mask* BOO

Caterpillar: o000ö

God: haha jk it’s just me

Caterpillar: oOOOö

God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT

[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]

Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.

“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”

A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.

You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.

A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.

Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.

Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime

I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.

Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.

The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song

Van Gogh: here you go

[furniture store]

Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.

Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work

Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way

Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No

I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes

I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.

Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.

ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?

Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.

I love strapping my kids into their car seats.

It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.

ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.

NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.

With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.

The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken

I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.