It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
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Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Canada has crack?
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.