It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
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“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
If you love someone, let them tweet.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.