It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.