Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

American voters doing the deep research today before voting.

Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.

I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward

Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.

“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”

-Oysters

I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected

me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant

friend: hi dave

dave: brilliant

Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads

~ dishwashers, perves

Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.

My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.

Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.

Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol

~App developers probably

I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.

Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.

Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story

I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.

*tosses another water balloon from my roof

Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.

My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.

People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.

“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.

i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns

Don’t touch that.

I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.

Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.

Think I pulled my liver

I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.

You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.

My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub

Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.

Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’