It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
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Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Psychiatrist showed me a bunch of dirty pictures some guy named Rorschach made. Real sicko that one.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
sigh
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
What the hell happened in there??
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.
Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else