It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
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I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
tell em, edith-anne
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.