its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
She: I like Cats
He:
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
me when the borders lift
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
