its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
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Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
This anagram machine is out of order.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
couldn’t resist
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Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.