Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything

Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed

Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.

Her: Oh no.

Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.

Her: You already do that.

“Traaains”

– traveling zombies

I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can

“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”

– Dogs

[job interview]

Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.

“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”

I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.

If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.

Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.

Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.

I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.

(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school

[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!

Son: Aw I wanted candy

Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading

ㅤ

I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator

When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”

I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.

Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!

[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out

I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.

guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now

If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?

Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.

Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.

Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.

[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night

If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to

[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers