Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I love you.

3yo: I love you

Me: Are you my big kid?

3yo: Yup

Me: Are you my sweet boy?

3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.

At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.

Nobody:

My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?

Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-

Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate

Daniel: sanding the deck was-

Miyagi: karate

Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-

Miyagi: anyway let’s move on

soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx

hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore

Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like

Also me: why am I still single

I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.

The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’

My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day

Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”

Sink: “Good one.”

My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.

Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.

Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.

Secondary school me: my speech is abou….

My guys at the back:

When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.

[hits you in the face with newspaper]

“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”

caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!

hamster: finally!!!

Me: Did you use the elevator?

Friend: I took the stairs.

Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?

Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.

[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit

I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.

Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner

I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.

Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.

I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”

I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”

Can’t shop there again.

These aliens are taking forever.

We are all just prisoners here of our phone device

That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork