Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know how I know society sets us up to fail?

Roombas only work if your house is already clean.

[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there

I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’

things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton

“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman

This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.

Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*

Me: Delete it.

Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:

Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.

*whispers*
Judged you.

marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.

No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool

My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.

My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.

restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?

Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.

Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.

[in hell]

me: *sad* why am I here?

satan: you’re a murderer

me: what? no I’m not

satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl

me: *blushing* aww

If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.

tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?

me: just draw it

[later watching TV]

commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!

me: motherf

Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.

*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.

0/10. Do not recommend.

Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.

Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.

ME: these fireworks are so quiet

WIFE: those are palm trees

Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?

Me: *chainsaw noises*

I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.

Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.

If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.

Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”