Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*

Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.

Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.

[at 25yr class reunion]

Me: You haven’t changed at all!

Her: Hahaha, thanks

Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane

I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.

It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.

Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick

Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.

“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔

A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”

Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit

I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.

The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.

Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah

Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.

Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN

What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?

Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.

And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.

“Great, now I have to pee.”

What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.

Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”

Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.

Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.

Them: your child is skipping a nap today.

Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!

Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.

I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once

I remember when things only cost an arm.

*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*

Co-worker: omg what happened

Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged

*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*

People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.

I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.

you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”

Axl Rose: Where do we go?

Me: Left

Axl: Where do we go now?

Me: Straight.

Axl: Oh, where do we go now?

Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!