It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
