It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
just arby’s bein’ a bro
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
