Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.

Me: You’re adopted

Ted: What? How long have I been a dop

It’s been a good 12 months for dogs

Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.

[screaming into the void]

MARCO

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: is he in line

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.

Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”

I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?

Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?

Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic

Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.

*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS

My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.

You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.

when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real

It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”

*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

there will never be a funnier headline than this one

Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.

“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs

🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you

-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge

My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.

Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn

An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.

The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”

Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age