Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison

me [sitting in a chair]: OMG

jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room

me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?

jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*

me: goodbye cruel world

Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.

my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat

Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?

I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?

I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.

[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

weaknesses

“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”

“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”

“You’re missing the point.”

“That’s the idea!”

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.

the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”

ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.

God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.

How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.

Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces

[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]

Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking

If she’s interested in you she will reply

If she isn’t, she won’t

Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take

“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made horrible tea.

STOP MAKING IT WEIRD

Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions

Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes

I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.

A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.

[Cooking pasta]

Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.

they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.

I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now

~ toddlers

When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.

Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke

it is time once again