It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
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Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Fixed this for Shakespeare
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
You can’t scare me; you’re not my credit card bill
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever