It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
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Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.