It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here
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Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
What do you call a zombie who stir fries?
Dead man wokking
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.