It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here
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necessity is the mother of invention
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Autocorrect completely socks
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine