It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
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I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
whatcha thinkin bout
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.