It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
You Might Also Like
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
😂🤣😂🤣
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius