It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
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Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Autocorrect is my menesis
Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.
bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”
dude was born in 2018.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.
Me: Okay.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.