It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
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Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
My bad habits got renewed for another season.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting
me: you mean ‘expelled’?
7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.