It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
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My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
I want what they have
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does