It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
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Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
“what that mouth do?” complain
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?