Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
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Want to talk trash? Recycle.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
we’re dead?
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Pot warmers of the day.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken