Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal

I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.

Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:

Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”

The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam

Me: I love eating nerds

Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)

Me: no, not that kind.

I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.

My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.

Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.

Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.

Narrator: she would never find it again.

If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers

whoever designed giraffes was extremely high

Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.

*Sucks spider up in vacuum*

*panics*

*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*

Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.

Me: I got a new blanket

My dogs:

It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me

You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people

MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?

ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon

Me: love it

ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon

Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes

ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon

Me: that’s an amer-

ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon

Me: goddammit

me: what’s your favorite part of fall?

4: jumping in piles of leaves

me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?

4: money

enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee

Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense

Celery is depressing green water wafers.

TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?

FLAT EARTHER: here we go again

Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone

My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU

just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏

Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.

Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.

Me: *half an hour later*

Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person: